September 25,2017/By: Erin Mixon
In my last post, I explored and owned up to the part I played in the dissolution of my last relationship. As I stated previously, initially I would have vehemently argued against anyone that stated that I could have possibly played any role in the unraveling of the relationship.
But over time…with growth and the in-depth process of working on myself…I began to see how flawed that perspective was.
Ultimately, coming to terms with this truth has been a great healing to my spirit. In addition, it has freed me from the emotional clutter that would have clogged up the drain of my spirit and kept me stuck in the past (ultimately disqualifying me from the true love I am now more qualified to receive).
Knowing for certain how important it is to be clear about the part one has played in the crumbling of a past relationship, I encourage you to do your work, also…
Even if it seems that there is absolutely no way possible that you were a contributing factor, I encourage you to dig deeper. In owning your part, you free yourself from the old debris and open the doorway to usher in the new and the better.
Here are a few helpful tools to consider in the process of owning your part:
1.Detach from Anger and Resentment
In order to begin the process of owning your part, it is important to try and view things from a standpoint of peace and love. Time often has a way of helping to quell those bitter and enraged feelings. In addition to the blessing of time (which can often bring fresh perspective), I recommend prayer, meditation, journaling exercises, and if needed, therapy.
2.Be an Objective Party
The more love and peace you can bring to the situation, the more honest of an assessment of what really occurred in the relationship you will be able to make. Pretend you are an objective third party observer to the goings on of the relationship. Being as objective as possible, list some positive and negative things that this person might say regarding both sides of the relationship. Honesty is key.
3.Get Feedback from Friends and Loved Ones
Oftentimes the people closest to us can see things about our relationship that we are not able, or simply, not willing, to see.
What are some of the things that you often heard loved ones say regarding the relationship? What is some of the advice you were given? For instance, if your mother would often say that you were “selfish” when dealing with your mate (even if it didn’t reign true at the time), search your heart (being as objective as possible) to see if there could possibly be a tinge of truth somewhere in the statement. If so, what else could be true?
4.Put Yourself in the Other Person’s Shoes
Even though you may not believe you did anything wrong in the relationship, there are a few questions you should ask to take inventory of the situation:
–How do you think he/she felt in the relationship?
–Was I always kind? If not, how did this affect my partner?
–What were some of the complaints he/she would often express?
Now, at the time, I know you felt these complaints had no validity whatsoever. It’s always a good idea to take what someone else says about us with a grain of salt. Still, honestly search your heart to see if at least some of these complaints could contain a ring of truth.
At the end of the day, you will be sooo enriched by this process…
Not only will your next relationship be enhanced by this new found perspective that you are not perfect, or without fault, but you as an individual will grow as well.
And when you gain the maturity to finally own up to your part, then you will also come to a place of self love and advancement that will allow you to say, “It’s ok. I forgive myself.”